Seriously you seem to find all the guys who are involved in all kinds of DRAMA. I say from now on, once a guy shows signs of flakiness, distance yourself, if not break it off. It sounds like you’re not trusting your guy, but going with your heart, and it seems like it should be a delicate balance of both.

Things are really good with V, he’s been very consistant since the beginning. Calls everyday, and he met my dad (they are very similar, so it was a success, and my Dad said “he’s a keeper”), and a week later he told me he loved me. It was very sweet and heartfelt, and I said it back. Now although I’ve dated all over the place, but I’m tight-lipped with the ILYs. I’ve only said it to one other person before, F. He didnt say it back, until some time had passed and then things were so complicated it didn’t matter. So it was really kind of special. Speaking of F, when I was home for graduation, I stopped at a house party of a friend of Fs. As you recall, F lives out of the state now, is married, and has a daughter. Well I was catching up with friends and one of them whispered to me “Heads up”, I turned and who of course was standing in the door way, but F. 6 hour drive to come to a house party (although I should’t be surprised, this has happened once before where I was caught off guard) ? He came right up to me this time. Hey how are you, where do you live now? EVEN though we’d exchanged an email when I first moved. I reminded him I was home to graduate and I live in Cali now. He smiled and went to get a drink and I surrounded myself with my friends, determined not to get sucked in. He made eye contact a few times, and I just looked away. At one point in the night he was squeezing by and he tapped me on the hip, but I stood fast and ignored him. I ended up leaving, and I didn’t talk to him the whole night. I’m proud of myself.

One thing about V – even though we have our differences, particularly that I’m much more outgoing, and F was a lot like that, I realize that that doesn’t matter if we are on the same page. V and I have similar interests, similar career goals, similar life goals, where as F and I basically lived in two different worlds, culturally, dating-wise, and what we wanted. Then I think after that broke me I just got good at getting out once the ship looks like it’s going to sink. You don’t NEED a relationship, you just WANT one thats good. So don’t put up with bs.

Onwards. Are there any cute possibilites at work? Where are you meeting these guys?

A month has passed since the last post. A month that was very upsetting to me. I continued to go out with this guy that I was dating even if he behaved weirdly. The reason I kept going out with him (although that’s not very noble) was that I am desperately trying to get over my ex. In fact, things seemed to go on pretty normal with the new guy, and although I didn’t see him that often (maybe twice a week) I felt good. Two weeks ago we went out on a long weekend with friends. We had a great time… until my ex’s best friend showed up. Ughh what a coincidence. Obviously he saw me with the new fling. He asked details, who is he, how long we were dating etc. I told him that we were dating for a week because I didn’t want my ex to think it was in fact longer. I have to be honest: it felt good, I was with a gorgeous new boyfriend and my ex’s best friend was going to report everything back.

The next day after I came back from the holiday, I get a phone call from the ex. He wants to meet and he asks all kinds of questions about the new guy. We meet and he says he still likes me and wants to be with me. I know I shouldn’t have, but I am still so very much in love with him that I decided to give it a shot. I immediately stopped seeing the other guy and I started dating my ex again. It went pretty well for a week… We went sailing, we went to a concert, candle light dinner at my place and a lot of making out… he wanted to have sex but I thought I would wait. After the candle light dinner ten days ago on a Sunday, I never saw him again. Here’s what happened:

I called during the week to go out, but he couldnt make it. Three days go by and he hasn’t shown signs of life. On Friday around midnight I was at a very boring party and decided to call him and hang out. He answered the phone and said he was having dinner and asked what I was up to. I asked him if he wants to hang out. He said that he could absolutely not see me because he was out with a friend. I asked what kind of friend and he responded that it was someone he was seeing!!!!!!!????? Hello?? Five days go by after he tells me he wants to be back and makes out with me and he has a new gf??? This is outrageous, Nicky, I don’t even know what to think. Then he goes on saying “It’s so much better that we didn’t have sex, it would have made things more complicated” and then he hangs up on me!!!! After 5 minutes he calls back. He says he wants to meet tomorrow night to talk and to explain. I freaked out. WTF? I called him 2 times and asked him frantically if he was seeing someone else. He said yes, yes. Then he hang up again. He hasn’t called since and I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. He said he would come over to explain and never called. Should I call? Should I text?

It’s hard to believe that he has a new gf only after 5 days. It’s hard to believe that he was telling me all that stuff on the phone (that he’s seeing someone else) over his dinner date instead of giving an excuse. It’s hard to believe that he hung up only to call 5 minutes later to tell me he wants to meet since he has a new gf. I don’t know what to assume. Perhaps he is back with his ex of 7 years…… that s the only thing that would make sense.

Unfortunately, that’s not the only devastating thing that happened to me. I already told you that I stopped seeing the other guy once my ex came back. Three days after I stopped returning his calls, I saw him out in a club with another girl. I talked to him and he introduced her to me. And it seemed like they were dating for ages. Un-f*-believable. I cornered him and he admitted that he was multiple dating while he had told me we were exclusive. Just hideous. HIDEOUS.

That’s my love life Nicki. HELP! I need to stay away from this all for a while.

Miss you tons!

Court

I’m sorry to read you’ve had such bad luck in the love department, particularly with the new fling.

Honestly I don’t know what to tell you. The beginning is such a tricky, delicate time. It’s like balancing a weight while walking on a tight rope, and I haven’t in the past been so great at doing it. I tend to be too into the relationship in the beginning, wanting to shower the guy with my affection, and sometimes it is too much. I think you’re a pretty affectionate girlfriend as well, but men are so hard to figure out, and sometimes this is a problem. Men like their freedom and like the pursuit. Although it doens’t even sound like the typical situation here, it sound like you caught him in a wee lie. That I totally don’t understand. Why would he lie about this spur of the moment trip when it would probably have been fine with you anyways. Why would he tell other people, including people you know, when it might get back to you. In my experience, starting out with lies, even minor little ones such as this tends to be a bad sign. Even if you think your guy is honest with you, but he tells white lies to others, I tend to be concerned. It is all in how easy the lies roll of a persons tongue.

It seems as though you’re moving past this fling, but that you knew from the beginning “too much enthusiasm? too fast?” Always stick with you’re gut. You know what is up. I’m always hesitant to do what I feel in my gut as it comes up, but I always look back and tsk tsk myself for not trusting my instincts. They are always right!

I’m doing well with V, no complaints what so ever. Of course it might be because he lives an hour away and the time we have together is precious. My father is coming to visit me for a week, and V asked me to meet him. I agreed, but I’m a bit nervous. Not because I don’t think my dad will like V, he’ll love him, they are peas in a pod, but because I’ve actually never introduced a boyfriend to my parents before. This is only out of proximity constraints, but still. My dad is the type of guy who likes everyone, so I’m sure it will go well, I’m still nervous. I’m also nervous because we’ve only been together for a short while. I don’t want to get too serious too fast; this has bit me in the a$$ before. That being said, I really have to admit I haven’t felt this strongly about anyone before. It’s scary, and I ended up telling V. And he agreed. So at least we are both on the same page, and he still wants to meet my Dad.

We’ll see!

xoxo, miss you

Nicki

I wonder why it’s all happening to me. Here’s what happened with the new fling.

Everything seemed perfect; when I came back from the States last weekend it was his birthday and he insisted on us spending it together – just the two of us, doing something romantic. It was a great evening and he made me feel very special as he wanted to spend the day just with me. The week passed and he was very busy, but he touched base every day.. On Thursday he called and we spoke for about 20 minutes. On Friday I texted him asking if he wants to hang out later in the evening. He didn’t respond immediately- I assumed he was at work. An hour later his best friend (and my friend too) called me and asked if me and my friends had plans for the night. I said that we were probably going out and that I had texted  V to come with us. Surprised, my friend responded: but V is out of town for the weekend, he had made arrangements since Wednesday, don’t you know???

I was shocked. It seems that although we were chatting the whole week, V had neglected to tell me that he was going out of town with his cousin. I felt really awkward. An hour later V texts me saying that he is out of town with his cousin and that it was a last-minute plan and that he would call. He never did.

I really wonder if it’s something I did, but really that would have to be over the phone (?), the guy insisted  that we spend his birthday together and everything seemed normal. What can I say? Men. Inexplicable.

Wow.

UHG. I’m sorry you continue to have feelings and put yourself out there with this guy. You are completely right, he’s not where you are; but probably because of his ego he doesn’t want you to shake him. Honestly it weirds me out that your friend was messaging him, even though you asked her to add him. The guy’s a royal ass-clown, so his behavior isn’t surprising. He likes attention, he likes your attention, this situation satisfies both. I always feel like these situations, where a friend tells you about an interaction like that, are double edge swords. Why is she not helping you by moving on? Why is she talking to him in the first place? Even in the event where she was interested in him, she knows what a dick he was to you. Playing a little fast and loose, if you ask me.

As for the two men, definitely I’d say go with the new guy. Yeah he might not have the same draw as the old, but that can build up. I’m to old for that shit, where you’re sure you’re not sure. I think if someone shows wavering interest, back away. If they change there mind they have to move mountains. Not come at you with the same rigamarole. They have to lay it all on the line – and it doesn’t seem like he is. Peaked effort? A bit but if you have any inclination that his attention will waver again, don’t get sucked into it. Who needs that?

The new guy deserves a fair shot – no?

My new guy – V- is still good. Hell he’s so great I’m waiting for the hiccup. Only time will tell. It is nice because we do the same job, but don’t work together. We slept together for the first time this weekend, and I think he was a bit nervous, it was sweet. I haven’t been with a guy who was this sweet in a long time, it got me thinking… why am I attracted to guys who are emotionally unavailable. I know that sounds clinical, but it’s so true. V said this weekend when he asked me to be his girlfriend “I think we have real long term potential.” He always says the right thing. Not to much, just enough for me to feel comforted.

love you c,

good luck with the new guy!

xo

nicky

You haven’t responded and I decided to take some days off and think about the whole situation. Business brought me back to the States for a few days – the perfect opportunity to get away from it all and deliberate.

I’ve decided to move on with the new fling and leave that ex boyfriend that dumped me because he didn’t want a relationship (and then he changed his mind) back. Why? I think that the ex had more than one chances to hold me with him and while he was afraid of losing me, he still does not want a relationship so the problems would come up over and over. Not ready for this.

As I was out with old friends and was talking about this situation, I bumped on my other ex boyfriend, the one I was together with for 8 months last year. It felt weird to see him again after all this time. My best friend, who was with me at the time, confided to me that he had been messaging and chatting her on facebook and the last time she checked he had sent her his number to text. I felt so angry! What the heck of all the people in the city he chose to hit on her? It’s highly unlikely that he didn’t know we were best friends. She is the only common friend I have with him on FB not to mention the numerous occasions he’s seen her with me. But the worst part was that in the following days I realized that she was somewhat enjoying his attention and that got me really frustrated.

I texted him saying that facebooking my best friend was probably the worst idea ever. He responded that I should get my facts straight and that she is the one who added him. (only…. I asked her to add him). Why did he do that? Was I right to feel angry? After all we’re not together anymore and he should feel free to ask anyone out. It’s just that somehow it does not feel right. Or moral. Or maybe I am just so not over it.

In the days that followed he stopped facebooking her. Instead he started texting me again. I saw him again at a bar and he invited me and my friends to all our drinks (that was weird since he’d never done that before). The day before I left I gave him something I ‘d written for him just after we broke up. It was very sweet and sentimental and I thought he’d appreciate it. But on the contrary he stopped texting. I think he realized that I am still in love with him and wants to let go. But actually, after all that he has done to me I am finally also ready to let him go and move on.

This was seriously the last drop.

Love,

Courtney

This blog turns out to be a very useful resource for me I followed your advice: If my ex wants a second chance, he needs to put in more effort. So I texted him back and I responded to his calls, but did not initiate any contact or meet-ups. And there it was. He started showing up at my tennis lessons. He asked me out and he was very affectionate in public – he never was before! Two days ago, he brought dinner at my place and gave me advice on how to decorate my new home.  He even slept over, which he never does; he always insisted that we slept over at his place in the past. He was hugging me the whole night and was really sweet…. I know… All that is nice, but totally weird and inexplicable. The guy explicitly told me that he is not ready for a relationship and that he felt that I want a relationship with him and he can’t give me what I want. Fine. So what is all this hokey pokey stuff? Do you think he regretted what he told me and wants me back?

For the first time in my life, I wished that explaining this behavior would be my biggest problem. While I agreed to see this guy, I did not end things with my new fling. I keep seeing him. You told me “it seems like you were just using him to get over the last guy.” and you’re partially right, but it’s not the whole story. I know him for a year and while we were never friends, I was always attracted to him. He’s totally gorgeous and since we went to Spain (two weeks ago) it looks like he really wants to be with me -of course we’re only in the beginning. I know that I started off things with him partially because the other guy broke up with me, but as time goes by I like  him more and more. We have tons of common interests, we had an amazing time in Spain, not to mention the sex is great. How do I give up on this for something else that looks completely iffy?

I am torn. I never thought I’d be in this place, but I find myself dating two people. And I hate it. I like both of them and I just don’t know how to let go. I feel so guilty! On one hand I just start dating the perfect guy immediately after my ex broke up with me and on the other hand my ex who hasn’t treated me all that well in the past three weeks, but with whom I am in love and we have so much more connecting us than the new guy.

Do I give my ex a chance since he’s putting in all the effort to get me back, or do I try things out with the new guy? Who tells me that the new guy won’t treat me the same? Gee, life is hard, but love is harder and yet can anyone live without it?

xx

Courtney

I’m so sorry I didn’t respond to the last post. In fact I had started a draft in the airport, but then thought I posted it… and evidently had not.

Ego is a powerful part of relationships, unfortunately. With this guy who’s now texting again, the thing is: he is texting you. Not calling or showing up to places he knows you’ll be. He’s only putting in the minimal effort to see you. Maybe because he is lonely, maybe because he isn’t sure, maybe because he wants sex. What ever the reason he should figure it out and then come at you with the right approach. He knows as well as you do things were fading, but if he’s convinced he wants to give it a try with you he will put in the effort and right now he is just now.

With the fling, it seems like you were just using him to get over the last guy. Ego – we’re all guilty of it. I think you should focus on starting something new with this guy and try and put the other one out of your mind. Or if you, if you move one, maybe try not to get too quickly into a full force relationship, like the one you had with the last Mr. Unavailable until you are sure he’s serious.

As for me, I’m just starting with someone. He used to work where I work now, so we know a bunch of people in common. I was traveling for work, and my co-workers and I were out at a bar, and he showed up to meet up with them as well. We ended up talking most of the night in the corner of the bar and it pretty much clicked. The next night again my co-workers went out for dinner and he asked me to sit next to him. It was a bit awkward, because it was clear to our co-workers that we had hit it off, and people had asked me about during the day, giving me a bit of a hard time. I don’t like people at work being in my personal life. In anycase we exchanged numbers and he called when I got home from the conference. We talked on the phone a few times and agreed to meet up, and we just spent the day together last weekend. It was really organic. I feel really comfortable around him, he is very low key. He called me after I got home and we chatted that night, and we made plans to meet up next weekend.He is really sweet, no games.

He calls and makes plans. So it seems good but too early to really tell. The good news: he has NO ex-drama. I asked He does seem to be a bit of a workaholic though…

I really miss you though!

Wish we could chat over a glass of wine by the sea. . . someday my dear.

xo

s

What have you been up to? Hope all is well! You didn’t respond to my post, so I decided to trust my gut feeling and move on asap; I traveled to Spain with my new fling. Going on a little vaca with someone I just made out with (although we ‘ve known each other for about a year now)… maybe a mistake… I thought I ‘d never find out if I didn’t try.

Needless to say, I had an amazing time. We were holding hands and kissing all the time, as he had predicted we had loads to talk about.. both of us had travelled extensively and we share a common passion for our work… and needless to say the sex was amazing. Everything seemed perfect and I felt smart: I ‘ve escaped the Mr. Unavailable who broke up with me and I had moved on to something new and exciting, which (for the time being) seemed unbelievingly uncomplicated.

But something didn’t quite fit. In the back of my mind I was wondering how it would have been if I was together with my ex, the guy that had just broken if off with me… I mean everything was perfect just two weeks ago, we seemed to be in love, my ex even introduced me to his parents, only to break up with me a few days later saying he didn’t want a relationship… What the heck is wrong with guys???? Once they feel that dating starts evolving to a relationship, they pack up and vaporize.

I quickly shove off these thoughts and decided to live the moment enjoying my mini-honeymoon with the new sweetheart. Two days go by. And suddenly there it was: a text message. My ex is asking me where I ‘ve been. I momentarily hesitate, but I reply. He keeps texting even up to today.

I wonder: is it ego or fear of losing me? Should I ignore him and move on with the new guy or should I give him another chance? I feel enthusiastic about the new guy but I am in love with my ex.

And yet again I am asking you: Is it possible to bring back the enthusiasm once it’s faded out?

xxx

Courtney

I am perplexed. Things were going pretty well with the guy that I am dating, but two weeks ago I got the impression that our feelings started to fade out… I didn’t feel the need to be all around him every single moment and started planning my own things. I still really liked him though. I got the feeling that he was on the same page. I started wondering whether what I felt for him was real love or was it simply an enthusiasm that lasted a mere two months?

So I decided to do an experiment. We went to the movies last Friday. I drove him home, we kissed goodnight and I left. Then I did not call for 4 days. Neither did he. I missed him. I felt in love with him. I cried every night thinking about him and wished we were together. I was now sure about my feelings. But his? After 4 days I called and we went out. He didn’t miss me. He would have never called if I didn’t call him. It was clear that from his part it was an enthusiasm that faded out.

I was really sorry but I have learnt my lesson on how to avoid the Mr. Unavailables on this earth. As soon as I got the jist that he was about to vaporize, I decided to move on.

The next day I went out with some people I know for quite some time. There’s this one guy that I ‘ve always wanted to ask out -he’s gorgeous. Not sure what kind of vibes I was giving off that particular night, but we ended up making out. He asked for my number and called the next day. We went out again and again. Yesterday he asked me if I ‘d like to travel to Spain with him for a few days. He went on and on about how many things we have in common and what an amazing time we would have. I am so damn confused. Yes to moving on, but moving on so fast?

Needless to say, I still think about the other guy, but I know it’s hopeless. It can only go down from here. I already know the drill. He’s going to avoid seeing me, stop answering my calls or send me sweet texts… Or maybe not? I haven’t officially broken it off with him and haven’t told him about the other guy, but we met this afternoon and acted like we’re just friends.

Is it possible to bring back the enthusiasm once it’s faded out? Or does it simply mean that love was never there in the first place and one should move on as fast as possible?

Help!

Love you & miss you!

Courtney