Dear Nicki,
Two days ago, I fell back in the trap with my ex. We met late night again…there was so much chemistry! But things didn’t end up well. We got into a big fight where he essentially told me that I am not the right person for him and kept outlining all my flaws. I felt terrible.
Then today, I was sitting reading your posting “Baggage Reclaim”. And then it all suddenly makes sense! I keep falling back for this particular guy I mentioned in my “Sex my Ex” posting because I obviously don’t want to connect with the reality. I get hung up on the things I like about him, common interests etc, and fail to see that he is totally unavailable and that all this is different than what I imagined things to be… As baggage reclaim says:
We don’t want to accept the reality because we want to hold onto the feeling and continue with the fantasy because if we don’t, we have to do something. This is how we end up holding onto assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s – denying the reality and claiming that we feel a strong chemistry with these men, an ‘undeniable’ attraction for them, that we don’t think we’ll find anywhere else.
And then it goes on to say that
if you have unhealthy relationship patterns, a history of being attracted to Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns, then the reality is that you feel chemistry and attraction with people who are reflective of some negative things that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships.
Well, this is exactly what’s happening to me. I believe that I am not worthy of a stable, loving relationship because I ‘ve screwed up big time in my love life in the past and now I somehow think that life is taking revenge on me. That’s why I keep falling into Mr Unavailable and insist that “there is an amazing chemistry between us”, so I can’t let him go and move on.
And of course, there is an explanation about my ex’s actions:
People can see when you see more in them than actually exists and are dining off an illusion. Not only will they end drawing their own, likely unfavourable conclusions about you, but for some, your penchant for being caught up in the illusion represents an opportunity for them to take advantage of you.
Obviously, he does not have anything better to do and keeps taking advantage of me. I guess I really have to move on. Good that I am moving out soon!
xx
Courtney
